USS Tamerlane

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2012 4:31 pm 
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Artist: Nova Trek
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Just pointing out that other people seem to be taking an intrest.


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:08 pm 
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Artist: Surya
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Ok. I seem to have taken your post wrong, and I apologise for going all "waagh!"


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:25 pm 
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Vagabond Elf wrote:
Ok. I seem to have taken your post wrong, and I apologise for going all "waagh!"



That's okay. No problem. :)


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 01, 2012 9:56 pm 
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Just checked the latest numbers and in just the last 2 weeks- betwen this site and Trek United's Issuu page, Part 1 has had a combined total of 262 hits or views or whatever you want to call them.
The totals- even with e-bots and the like- are climbing faster than I expected.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 8:26 pm 
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Okay, I know some of this is everyone's favorite e-bots, but surely not all of it. The count went from 148 upto 164- that's 16 points. :shock:


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 10:21 pm 
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Artist: Tamerlane
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I don't mean to crush you with that stat :D

I actually think there are a LOT of people reading your story! :D

_________________
---"Wait... should I quote myself?" --me


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 07, 2012 2:40 pm 
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Aabh wrote:
I don't mean to crush you with that stat :D

I actually think there are a LOT of people reading your story! :D



Including you?


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 12, 2012 2:26 pm 
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Well, including me now. :)

Overall I like it. The plot is mostly believable (which is about all a Trek story can shoot for), the pacing is excellent, the dialog engaging. Normally I dislike fan stories using the main characters of a show, because they never feel "right" to me (which is why you'll never see Jim Kirk et alia on the Surya) but that wasn't in play here. It does lean on the mind-meld pretty heavily, which annoys me, but the target of that annoyance is really more the TOS writers who did the same thing, taking the mind-meld away from being a rare and incredibly intimate thing to a convenient lie detector and translator.

There are, of course, some minor quibbles.

First, I don't think I would have recognised Jimmy boy in his big reveal if I hadn't all ready known who it was. You do explain that in a couple pages, of course, and the likeness is enough for me to accept it as Kirk, but I do wonder if the impact of that big reveal isn't wasted because of the likeness issue.

The regulation at the begining doesn't read like a reg. It reads like someone trying to explain a reg. And there are ways of writing regs that are still decipherable to human beings - the Alberta Queen's Bench has been doing that for the last few years with its Rules of Court.

I would go for somethiing like:

6. Temporary Change of Command

III If the situation warrants the Captain may release command to any suitably qualified officer
(1) Barring exceptional circumstances command will be released to the next available officer in the chain of command, begining with the First Officer.
(2) At the Captain's discretion command may be released to a visiting officer with Command School certification who is of equal or higher Rank as the Captain.

(As an aside, "Command Rank" in a naval context usually refers to sufficient seniority to command a ship but not so high that they ought to be commanding a squadron, and covers Lt. Commander, Commander, and Captain. Commodore and higher is Flag Rank; Lt. S.G. and lower is "junior officer.")

Basically, the language on your screen-shot is too informal to be believable.

10, 000 km is not a long range scan. The Moon's average orbit is 385, 000 km. The Earth itself is almost 13, 000 km in diameter at the equator. 10, 000 km is a trvial distance even in real-world space sensors, never mind Trek-type ubersensors.

I found the explanation for Shev being in the centre seat to be contrived and utterly unnessecary. It introduces two more characters that we never actually see, creates an unrealistic situation (if a shift supervisor was unavailable her 2IC would take over rather than the other two going to 12-on, 12-off, which is a truly grueling schedule) and didn't need to happen, since she was all ready serving as a watch officer and so had every reason to be in that chair.

Your lack of frame borders caused me troubles this time through. I more than once had a lot of difficulty figuring out what was "a frame," which in turn makes it harder to understand the sequence of events. The space battle was especially bad for this. Overall the artwork is solid, though there are still some background characters in stiff and unnatural poses. The Romulan Spok wrestles with is a good example of this.

Overall, I feel that this is on-par with your other stories: a good premise with excellent timing and pacing that ultimately suffers from a lack of basic astronomical research (Trek isn't really a medium for good physics but there are still minimum standards!), a need to over-explain things, and an endemic ignorance of how naval (or quasi-naval) protocols work. That last is not saved by "It's another universe;" the characters don't have to follow USN or RN procedures but what they do does have to make sense. With this being a freely shared story I can mostly get past it; if this was something I was paying for, this issue would probably be the one where I throw up my hands, say "nope, he's not going to get better," and quit spending money on it.

Final score, 3 out of 4.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 12, 2012 2:53 pm 
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VE:"10, 000 km is not a long range scan. The Moon's average orbit is 385, 000 km. The Earth itself is almost 13, 000 km in diameter at the equator. 10, 000 km is a trvial distance even in real-world space sensors, never mind Trek-type ubersensors.

I found the explanation for Shev being in the centre seat to be contrived and utterly unnessecary. It introduces two more characters that we never actually see, creates an unrealistic situation (if a shift supervisor was unavailable her 2IC would take over rather than the other two going to 12-on, 12-off, which is a truly grueling schedule) and didn't need to happen, since she was all ready serving as a watch officer and so had every reason to be in that chair
."

I'll grant that 10,000 might be small. Earlier drafts had the number at 100,000 and that sounded too far to me. So, you might have me on that one.
As for Shev filling in on Beta shift, that was a production decision- not story. If I had gone with a straight 8 hour deal, it would have meant creating one- or more- characters to represent Beta Shift and I had to create so many characters for this story, it was already crazy. Plus, with the matter of having to re-create so many files- including the crews of other ships- I decided to take at least one short-cut and give Shev some experience in the command chair. ;)
Of course now that I'm thinking about it again, I could have put the whole sequence at the end of Shev's time on Alpha Shift. Didn't think of that at the time. I wanted the opening sequence with Jan and Spock, and that moment felt like they would have been off the Bridge for some time- remember Jan was in a civilian outfit. It just made sense at the time to make it later in another shift.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 13, 2012 8:52 am 
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Or you just don't waste time explaining it. Would any of us have blinked if we saw an episode of the show twith Kirk off-duty in his quarters and Sulu in the centre seat as the teaser ended? No, of course not.

Or if you must explain it, make it simple and don't create new characters we never see. "Commander [I forget] has volunteered to help out the short-handed beta shift." Done. Three sentences cut, and two characters were never going to meet not brought up. As it stands, it's a minor violation of Chekhov's Gun.


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